Mount Sleep

Like most cats, Peaches simply excels at sleeping.

As an adult, I have not really improved in this vital area. Not yet. I'm not willing to give up just yet. A recent change to my daily routine makes me hopeful. I used to always schedule my daily medication for late in the evening. I realize now that at no other time of the day I procrastinate worse, and getting it out of the way sooner in the day, for instance at the time where I would normally stop working, is super helpful. 

In a way I cannot believe I didn't come up with this sooner. Of course, I did think of taking my meds at a different time, but couldn't figure out what time would be better than the one I had struggled so much to adhere to for all these years. Originally I thought late evening, around 11 PM to midnight, would account for night outs, allowing me to always take the meds at the same time before going to bed, maybe even making it part of my (already extensive) night time routine.

It's only now that I've been reading Dr. Megan Anna Neff's books "Self-care for Autistic People" and "The Autistic Burnout Workbook" that I'm becoming more aware of some crucial facts about myself. I don't just naturally have more or less energy (sometimes referred to as "Spoons") at different times of the day, but also what I have energy for specifically varies greatly (described by Neff as different types of spoons). Late at night I inevitably struggle to cope with another chore in the queue, and that is what taking my meds ultimately boils down to.

And it's not just one more task either. To take my meds I have to find them first. That shouldn't be hard but I have been doing this during the time of the day when I'm at my worst, too tired to make good decisions, or to remember what bad decisions I made etc. So a realistic breakdown of "taking my meds" would look more like this:

1. Locate meds (often displaced the night before)

2. Locate beverage to wash down meds (often depleted at this hour) 

3. Make new beverage by boiling water or convince self to make exception for unflavoured cold water which I normally don't drink

4. Select a tea or water flavour (harder because of self-imposed rule to consume each only once per day)

5. Wait for boil and prepare beverage

6. Wait for beverage to cool down or remember option to add cold water

7. Take those meds

8. Mark it in the pill reminder app (or forget to, and wonder if you really did it)

In contrast, at 7 PM I often have a beverage ready or would prepare one anyway, I have better "follow through" energy, and more energy in general, I am not going to displace my meds, but just put them where I can easily find them again etc... I might even be in a state where I can more easily tolerate the faster but more unpleasant option of cold unflavoured water. 

The procrastination mystery

This mind-numbingly simple change, from nights to early evening, had another positive and somewhat unexpected side effect I need to call out. It removed loads of bed-time procrastination from my nights, just like that.

I had always blamed the day as a whole, thinking I must be experiencing some kind of "revenge night time procrastination". Basically, I assumed that I hadn't been doing enough in the day, or not enough of the right things, and now I stupidly refused to let the day end. It looked like an act of self-sabotage, setting myself up to have an even worse day tomorrow. I would delay sleep so much that - optimistically - only 5 to 6h, sometimes less, were still left to sleep.

It was like a bad habit, and felt unbreakable, inescapable. I thought I'd never get a handle of it. Maybe with just enough willpower... maybe by setting 3 more alarms... maybe with the promise of chocolate from my partner...

In many ways, I was completely wrong about both the causes and potential remedies.

Turns out a big chunk of that procrastination came from me doing something difficult when I'm least able to do it - or rather - the fact that I was doing it at that specific time is what made it so difficult in the first place. No longer having to struggle with taking meds at my most zombie-brained means I have no reason for all that procrastination anymore. I can just head to the bathroom for my (almost) perfectly predictable night-time routine and funnel myself towards bed.

The story of the ill-fated medication schedule also hints at a solution path I've been long neglecting. Instead of being harder on myself, I need to be softer. Make things easier. Nicer. Not by switching punishment for reward, but by not creating "unnecessarily difficult situations devoid of benefit" at all.

Acceptance is key

Yes, doing things that are difficult is generally worthwhile. I've been the fish riding the bicycle with success. I experienced growth outside my comfort zone. But you also have to pick your battles and give yourself some slack. You need balance. And a strong foundation of self-acceptance on which to start working from.

This whole issue with my bad med schedule took so long to realize because I wasn't accepting my night time self and its limitations. I basically imposed that I should be able to do the same things I do during the day at night. With a bad long-running tendency to be too hard on myself, I ignored my tanking energy levels, overstimulated state, and desperate need for rest.

In a way, reading Dr. Neff's books (who is autistic herself) gave me permission to better accept myself. She's both an expert and a peer, the best combination, and seeing things written down, nicely formatted, and printed out just hits differently. This is why work like hers is so important.

Reflecting on this more, I realize that there are other examples of my life becoming unduly hard because of a lack of (self-)acceptance. Here is one from work:

Initially, I did agree to monthly night-time work as proposed by my new manager at the time. A terrible idea on paper, and completely operationally unnecessary as they had cover in another more suited time zone. They should probably never pushed this on me in the first place, but initially I said yes. I thought of myself as motivated and optimistic back then, but it was more like "in denial about limits and too eager to please".

Of course, it went terribly. It made me ill to try and work from 7 PM to way after midnight once a month (4 AM being the longest I experienced but it always varied). Work hours like this would affect most people badly. It took some struggle, more then I would have liked, but I was later able to get them agree to split tasks with a US colleague and only have me work from 7 PM to 10 PM. However, this arrangement still set me up for failure, negatively impacting my daily routine, and thus chipping away at my already measly sleep hours. 

It ultimately became another factor in my burnout.

Scaling Mount Sleep

Going forward, I think that finding a good night's rest will continue to be some kind of challenge for me. But I will keep trying to make progress, for instance by gaining greater self-knowledge, removing disruptors like late work, trying new tools like magnesium and melatonin supplements, or new techniques like reading my paper-effect Kindle (its screen has no lighting in it) instead of on my phone before bed.

I'll keep my eyes open for new ideas and insights, while not trying to get too stressed by the one million of negative health impacts that are constantly being pointed out to me. After all, stress and anxiety over that sure won't help me sleep any better.

By the way, "Mount Sleep" is a sonnet I started writing ca. 2023. I never really feel like I truly finished any poem, but below you can read it in its state at the time of posting this.